If you wanna find me I’ll be out in the sandbox…

To my few, but loyal readers, I’ve recently been accepted as a freelance writer for an online forum featuring political humor writing.  I may still post the occasional thing here, but please check out www.therebuttal.com for all future pieces.  And thanks for all your support and encouragement!!!

Come on, ride the train

I’ll be the first to admit I almost missed the Obama Express. When it comes to the presidential election, I’ve been a hopeful supporter of Al Gore and an avid defender of Hillary Clinton.

All that changed on Thursday night, and not because Barack Obama won 38% of the Iowa caucuses. I was shocked, concerned and maybe even a little disappointed in the win that was almost certainly bad news for Hillary.

Then he gave a speech–a speech which was more impassioned, and more genuine, than anything I’ve heard in a long time. All I could think was, “Is he for real?”

“In the face of impossible odds, people who love this country can change it.” The words sound cliché when repeated in news articles or quoted by T.V. anchors, but when delivered by the man himself, there is an unbridled, unparalleled passion behind them.

It’s a universally accepted truth that our system is corrupt; that politicians are responsible to lobbies and corporations; that the best interests of our country always take a back seat to the political game. Sure, we all hope that after the election, the situation will improve. But until I listened to Senator Obama speak, it never occurred to me that the kind of change he talks about is even possible.

In an effort to run an entirely grass roots campaign, the Senator has arranged for each donation made to his campaign in the coming weeks to be matched by another generous supporter of his somewhere else in the country. Whether it will work remains to be seen, but it’s a move that demonstrates that the Senator’s actions are as bold as his words.

What if we really did elect a president who, for the first time in modern history, entered office owing his victory to no one but the American people? What if there was no favor-trading or lobbying or earmarking? What if he really means what he says and intends to change politics as we know it?

It’s idealistic, I realize, but isn’t that the mark of a great leader? Someone who can make believers out of cynics? A week ago, I thought Barack Obama was inexperienced and, quite frankly, full-of-it. But the way he speaks about the future and his ability to captivate and move his audience is nothing short of inspiring.

“Years from now when we’ve made the changes we believe in, when the world sees America differently, and America sees itself as a nation less divided and more united you’ll be able to look back and say that this was the moment when it all began.”

Maybe he won’t even win the nomination, let alone the general election, and maybe those words will end up being just another speech by another politician. Or maybe, just maybe, we are witnessing the beginning of something great.

Since his win on Thursday, his campaign has picked up tremendous momentum, as well as hundreds, if not thousands, of new supporters. It’s all in the hands of New Hampshire residents for now, but I’m holding out hope that the Obama Express is going non-stop to Denver.

This is the part where you say to yourself, “That sounds exciting. What can I do to be part of it?” You can start by watching the speech at http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yqoFwZUp5vc. Then get on board at www.barackobama.com and cross your fingers for Tuesday.

Attention candidates: Don’t make me take your socks!

Watching the presidential primaries unfold, I’m beginning to understand how my parents must have felt when my brother and I were growing up. For most of our childhood, we could not be left alone in a room without attempting to kill each other. Any game or toy quickly became a weapon in our vicious sibling rivalry.

My Aunt Judy became notorious for confiscating our socks whenever we visited her. She had learned the hard way that, in the absence of all other options, we would ball one sock up inside the other, creating a whip that could leave some serious welts. Needless to say, our behavior frustrated and embarrassed everyone around us, but we were too caught up in our supposed hatred for each other to notice. We didn’t understand that sharing DNA was supposed to put us on the same side.

This seems to be where the presidential candidates are now, desperately clawing at one another with any means available in a pathetic attempt to get a bit of an edge. This behavior is somewhat expected from children, and I suppose one could argue the same for politicians who are just two weeks from the Iowa caucus. But shouldn’t we be holding our future president to a higher standard?

There are some incredibly powerful and accomplished people in this race. What does it say about their ability to lead that under the slightest bit of pressure, they revert to the behavior of 12 year-olds, calling names and making up elaborate stories about each other. Both parties are guilty, but I’m particularly concerned with the Democrats. First of all, the current administration is the bad guy, not your fellow liberal. Secondly, shouldn’t we be focusing more on what’s wrong with this country and how we can fix it, and less on who did drugs or disclosed their finances or took a private jet?

I’m tired of it. Enough is enough.

Yesterday Joe Leiberman stepped across party lines to endorse Senator John McCain, a move that surely surprised some and outraged more than a few. While I consider myself a dedicated liberal, I have to say that I commend Senator Lieberman’s action. By endorsing Senator McCain, Lieberman is refusing to condone the petty behavior of the candidates he may have been expected to support, choosing instead to throw his sway behind someone who has refrained from joining the circus that is this primary race.

My hope is that this move will serve as a wake-up call. We liberals are in this together, but we can’t afford to keep alienating our supporters. How long will it take to realize this? How many elections must we lose? How many party members will declare themselves “independent” before we grow up, stand together and present the strong, united image that the voters are dying to see?

My brother and I only stopped arguing after he moved out. Once we saw less of each other, we realized that we had spent years fighting the wrong battle. The real opponents had been our parents, and had we presented a unified front, my brother and I would have gotten a lot more things to go our way. Instead, we defeated each other’s causes, out of nothing but mean-spiritedness and jealousy, and most of the time, neither of us got what we wanted.

This is my greatest fear. In this election, we don’t have the luxury of waiting until it’s over to realize our mistakes. By then, the future of our economy, our healthcare, our environment, our international integrity, will all be in the hands of someone else. And we’ll be left to wonder nostalgically how different it might have been if we had just worked together.

I keep waiting for the Democratic National Committee to put its foot down. To lay down the law and get these politicians to start acting like adults. But the clock is ticking, and I’m thinking of putting in a personal call to Howard Dean. Perhaps I can put him in touch with my Aunt Judy. She’s a little older now, but she still knows how to scare the socks off a misbehaving kid.

USPS: The great equalizer

In my perfect world, equality isn’t just a word we throw around and pretend to value. It’s something that really exists in this country. Where everyone—tall, short, black, white, beautiful, ugly, rich, poor, gay, straight—actually gets the same treatment and has the same rights (or lack of) as everyone else.

Yesterday, I walked into the post office to mail a package, and for $3.97, I got a taste of paradise.

As I stood in the queue that wrapped several times around the lobby, I couldn’t help but feel a sense of camaraderie with those around me. For each new person who joined the line, I could see the Christmas joy draining from his or her face. The change from fa-la-la-la-la to why-the-f***-is-this-taking-so-long was apparent as each calculated the ratio between patrons and postal employees: approximately eight to one.

One man came in hurriedly, decided the line was not for him since he only had a question, and began trying to get the attention of one woman behind the counter. Before he could get his question out, the woman answered him with a quick, gruff, “End of the line please, Sir.” Her tone made it clear there were to be no exceptions.

That’s when I realized—the United States Postal Service is perhaps the one institution where all people are truly considered equal. They have a strict policy that no one, no matter how nicely-dressed, well-connected or smooth-talking, is above the bureaucratic procedures that make the post office run as…er…efficiently as it does. While the service may be unbearably slow, occasionally unfriendly, and infuriatingly ruled by red tape, at least it’s fair. They get their job done, and manage to treat everyone with the same respect (as long as you keep your cell phone off, stand in line and fill out your forms correctly). In that respect, maybe we all have something to learn from our neighborhood postal employees.

The not-so-evil empire

It’s a noun. It’s a verb. It’s an adjective. And now it’s also the financial muscle behind the clean energy movement. Who knew so many things could come from one little word: Google.

Last week, the internet-company-turned-philanthropic-organization announced its plan to funnel hundreds of millions of dollars into a project that will make power from renewable energy sources more affordable for the general public. Their goal is to not only produce enough clean energy to run their giant corporation, but also to develop technology that would lower the cost of solar and wind power by 25 to 50 percent.

I used to be afraid of Google. First it was just a search engine. Then it was a mail server. Then suddenly it was an instant message program, an interactive satellite map of the Earth, a way to share and save documents, and a phone service you could text message for information when you’re away from your computer. GoogleMail, GoogleChat, GoogleEarth, GoogleDocuments. It dominated the communication industry, becoming a culturally-pervasive GoogleEmpire. I keep in touch with most of my friends by “G-chatting” with them during our lunch breaks, and whenever I have a question about anything, I Google it. When any corporation expands that quickly, the question everyone wonders but no one wants to ask is “what’s next?”

But in this case, the answer from Google is philanthropy. The company is revolutionizing the way people communicate and access information, and now it’s obvious that they also have the greater good in mind. Founder Sergey Brin has said that Google likes “to take advantage of our noted…position to motivate the world and do things that are good.”

If their ultimate plan is to take over the world, I’m ready step back and let them.

For the past few years, the company has been working closely with Vice President Al Gore as a top advisor to develop the strategy they’ve just announced, which hopes to accomplish its goals in a matter of years. An enormous undertaking of this kind needs to be managed by strong, wealthy and able hands. And with a Nobel Peace Prize winner, the country’s top scientists, and a giant profit margin on their side, Google seems confident that they can get the job done.

Of course, there are other companies who are making an effort to go green. Wal-mart (surprisingly enough), IBM, Intel and Starbucks are all becoming more and more energy-conscious. But at this point, individual change is simply not enough; we need to enact dramatic new policies in this country, and while some of our own elected representatives are still denying that global warming exists, it’s refreshing to see someone who’s willing to step up to the energy plate and start swinging, especially if that someone is a corporation with a name that, let’s face it, is just plain fun to say.

Google.

The afterlife

I just stumbled across this, written over a year ago as I struggled through post-graduation unemployment, and I thought it deserved some attention.

***********

It’s Saturday. The only reason I can tell the difference between today and the past five is because my parents are both home all day long.

Today is a special day. My dad uses the grill outside to cook a fresh batch of bacon. He only does this once a month: grills up three pounds at a time which will then sit in the freezer in Ziploc bags, ready to be defrosted whenever necessary… unless my brother and I eat them frozen. Mmmmm…bacon popsicles.

The fat crackles as it cooks off and drops onto a tin foil tray. Every few minutes a strip is rescued from its pool of liquid grease, lifted with tongs from the heat and placed onto a plate covered with paper towels. The pile gets higher and higher as the summer air cools the burning hot pig flesh. Not to be touched until Dad says so.

Since I graduated from college, this is my life. Bacon fresh off the grill is the most exciting part of my day.

The rest of the time it goes something like this:
9 am: Wake-up.
9:01: Realize I have no responsibilities for the day
9:05: Go back to sleep
11 am: Wake up again
11:15: Make breakfast, still wearing pajamas and glasses
11:20: Begin watching TV
3:30: Suddenly realize the whole afternoon has gone by and rush to get dressed and look productive before parents get home.

Yesterday was a close call. It was 4 pm and I heard a car pulling into the driveway. I scrambled up the steps, pulled on a pair of jeans, and secured a bra under the t-shirt I slept in. By the time my mom opened the door, I was right next to my dog, Tootsie, waiting for her, looking excited as if I had accomplished a lot today: emptied the dishwasher, read a book, applied for jobs, found the cure for cancer. All in a day’s work for a college grad. Little does she know I actually spent the afternoon absorbed in VH1’s Behind the Music on Nick Lachey. His break-up with Jessica Simpson was truly tragic.

Every day when she gets home, my mom pours us each a glass of wine and she chatters about her day while I hang around waiting for dinner. I’ve conveniently forgotten how to cook now that I have someone to do it for me, so I usually don’t eat during most of the day. As a result, I spend most of the pre-dinner hour with my face stuck in the pan or oven or fridge as I follow my mom around the kitchen. It doesn’t matter what she makes really. I’ll eat whatever she puts in front of me.

Last night we had steaks. As I cut into it with my knife, the red juice bubbled out, similar I imagine to how blood would trickle out of a recently slit wrist.

At least my ability to think in metaphors hasn’t diminished yet.

I fed a couple of pieces to Tootsie from the table, even though I’m not supposed to. These days, I’m beginning to understand her, to empathize with her. Even though she hasn’t done anything but sleep, she’s had a hard day. She deserves steak.

And today we’re at it again. Tootsie and me. Hovering over the grill, breathing in the bacon fumes, waiting for a chance to snatch a piece, drooling in anticipation. If I can just get one, it will be worth it. Today will stand out among all the other days as the day dad made bacon and I got to eat some fresh off the grill. I begin to lick my lips unconsciously and all thoughts of having a college degree begin to dissolve. Who cares if I spent four years going to class? Who cares if I ever find a job? All I need in life is a sunny place to nap and that one…little…piece…of…bacon…

There goes the virtual neighborhood

UPDATE: Read this in the New York Times – Seems that I wasn’t the only one disturbed by this whole process.

http://www.nytimes.com/2007/11/30/technology/30face.html 

***** 

Last week the popular social networking site, Facebook, announced its introduction of “targeted social advertising,” a feature that allows advertisers to disguise their commercial messages as advice from trusted friends.

This new plan no doubt means more revenue for the already booming business, but by digging for gold, Founder Mark Zuckerberg could very well be digging Facebook’s grave.

Like all social networking sites, Facebook was created as a way for people to connect with each other, to reinforce a sense of community as well expand the meaning of community. It was first intended for college students, and later for high school students and then anyone else who wanted in. It popped into existence when sites such as Friendster and MySpace became so overrun with predatory perverts and advertisements that Generation Y-ers everywhere were looking for a new, safer virtual space in which to interact.

Mark Zuckerburg came to our rescue.

Regarded as a hero by college students everywhere, he actually listened to us, and custom designed his site to meet our changing needs. Up until recently, he and his team responded to feedback from users for every major change the site underwent, constantly adding new privacy features so we could protect ourselves from unwanted intrusions into our social world.

But in the end business is business, and Facebook chose the path of its predecessors, betraying those who made it successful in order to rake in a little more money.

The major problem with these social ads is that they have been designed by a different generation, one that doesn’t understand us, and quite frankly, can’t keep up with us. Zuckerburg recently explained why social ads are so desirable to marketers; they “are powerful because they act as trusted referrals.”

These advertisers are convinced that their clever new strategy invades our technologically advanced world and imposes peer pressure on us unsuspecting youngsters who are painfully eager for advice from our “friends.” And because we are so naïve, naturally we will just take these helpful suggestions at face value, and run right out to do the advertisers bidding.

Hel-lo!? That kind of strategy might work on pre-pubescent middle-schoolers, but it sure isn’t going to win any of us over. Did no one ever put together a focus group to find out if these things actually work? Do they really think we are that stupid? I mean, really. It’s almost an insult to our intelligence.

Anyone who’s ever received one of these “targeted social ads” can tell you that they are not only incredibly annoying, but also totally ineffective. It happens on MySpace all the time: my best friend Corey tells me in a note that she just found a great new “male enhancement pill” that “worked wonders!” on her boyfriend Todd. Except I just spoke to Corey yesterday, and I know she’s still single and never writes with exclamation points. I also got one of these masquerading as a message from my friend Vanessa, with a link to a site that will give me a “free $500 Macy’s gift card!” Although I know Vanessa loves to shop, the first thing I do is text message her to ask if the post is real, and find out within seconds that she has no idea what I’m talking about.

I know that the advertising companies are working hard to reach out to our generation. But if they want to gain our trust (as well as our hard-earned money), they can start by butting out of our social lives and giving up on the smoke and mirrors. We’re smarter than you think, and we know how to avoid you. We may be the same generation that is more than happy to post embarrassing videos of ourselves on UTube, but we still take our privacy seriously. Think of social networking sites as a private party. You wouldn’t crash a stranger’s birthday bash with your newest product and honestly expect them to buy it, would you?

And here’s the other thing about the internet – it’s limitless. We abandoned Friendster for MySpace, MySpace for Facebook, and we won’t hesitate to jump virtual ship again if it gets to be more of a hassle than it’s worth. It’s only a matter of time before some aspiring internet entrepreneur creates a new social network that will be free from all this nonsense. At least for awhile. And if we’re lucky, we’ll get a few good years of peace and quiet before the undesirables move into the neighborhood and chase us out again.

A heads up on healthcare

This is something I wrote a couple of weeks ago, but it’s still a relevant issue.

*********

I could only think one thought as I lay in the ER waiting for the surgeon to arrive: “Thank god I have health insurance.”

It had started as a perfectly innocent game. Some friends and I were playing baseball on the beach after an all day barbeque. The sun was setting on our 3rd inning when my friend John swung the bat with all his might.

There was a shout and a thump, and when I opened my eyes I was lying on the sand with my hand to my forehead.

“Oh my god,” came a voice, “she’s bleeding.”

As I took my hand away, I saw that it was covered in blood, and the next thing I knew I on the way to the hospital holding a bag of frozen berries to my head.

“It was a freak accident,” my friends explained to the ER nurses, and the doctor on call referred to it as a “relatively minor” injury. But after ten hours in the emergency room, nine stitches, two black eyes, and a follow-up visit to a plastic surgeon, the medical bills were approaching $3,000, more than ten percent of my yearly income as a recent college graduate.

The clincher? My health insurance had kicked in only four days before. Had this happened merely 96 hours earlier, I would have been one of the millions of uninsured Americans who go into debt because of the astronomical cost of healthcare.

In 2006, the number of uninsured Americans was at a staggering 47 million people, 8 million of them children. Our healthcare system, which is the most expensive per capita in the world, was ranked only 37th in the world for its effectiveness by the World Health Organization in 2000. Yet the current administration insists that it works just fine, and that any attempts to improve it are a step toward socialism.

For decades, our fear of and hatred for all things socialist have led to some of the government’s most reprehensible actions—the persecution and prosecution of outspoken liberals in the 50s, the assassination of Chilean president Salvador Allende, the failed war in Vietnam, and most recently, the veto of the bill that would have expanded the State Children’s Health Insurance Program to provide coverage for nearly twice as many children as it currently does.

And why? Because the people running our country are the same ones who benefit most from our capitalist system. They have no idea what it’s like to be poor, or even a low-wage worker, and they don’t believe in reaching out to help those who can’t help themselves. President Bush’s biggest criticism of the child health bill was that it expanded the program beyond its original purpose—which is to help the poorest of the poor children. With the $35 billion funding increase, Bush’s fear is that the program would begin to cover even children who aren’t really that poor.

But let’s discuss the concept of poverty for a minute since our president’s frame of reference is a bit skewed. Currently, the poverty level is defined as a yearly income of $20,000 for a family of four.

$20,000 for a family of four…before taxes.

When I had my accident a few months ago, I was working at my first job where my starting salary happened to be exactly that. I can tell you from personal experience that it is very difficult for one person to live on that amount, let alone support three others. I can’t expect the President to relate to that since he’s never been anything but wealthy himself, but to say that a family of four with an income of, say $45,000 per year, should be able to afford their own health insurance is not only ignorant; it’s also completely unrealistic.

Nevertheless with only his fourth veto in six years, Bush chose this particular battle as one worth fighting. And although an enthusiastic, bi-partisan congress tried to fight back, the house was 13 votes shy of an override last week. Result: 10 million children will continue life uninsured, and our president begins his reputation as “fiscally conservative.”

But he’s probably right. It’s better we save that $35 billion for more important things like invading other countries and stirring up civil wars. That way all those kids will have one more reason to enroll in the military when they come of age—great medical benefits.

They’re going to need them.

Man up, Al

UPDATE 12/5/07 – The DraftGore movement is officially ceasing its activities. Read the sincere, but still hopeful, address from its leaders. http://draftgore.com/free_details.asp?id=79

**********

I’ve begun fantasizing about Al Gore.

That’s right. Last night I had a dream that I met the former Vice President after winning a speech-writing contest for some environmental fund-raising event. After shaking my hand, and congratulating me on my incredible writing ability, he let me tag along for the rest of his busy day. As we headed to his next event (in the dream, he drove his own electric car), we chatted about the upcoming presidential election and where we both stand on his refusal to enter the race. He was no match for me though, and at the end of a very heated debate, he simply said, “You’re right. Okay, I’ll run.”

And then I woke up.

There has been tremendous speculation on this topic already. He will run; he won’t run; he wants to run but is waiting for the right time. And all the while, the man himself has insisted over and over, publicly stating again and again, that he is no longer interested in occupying the oval office.

Well, you know what, Al? This is no longer about what you want.

My winning conclusion in the dream was informing the Vice President that leadership isn’t always about doing what you want to do; it’s about doing what needs to be done. Let’s face it: this country is in trouble. We haven’t been so divided since the Civil War, and while it seems we’re beginning to agree that we’re headed in the wrong direction, our “bi-partisan” congress can’t seem to figure out how to turn us around.

There is a current candidate in the race that I support, but I truly believe that the strongest candidate, and the only one who’s capable of winning the election without alienating the other 49 percent of the country, isn’t in it yet. And why? Because he doesn’t feel like it?

I can’t say I blame him. But now that a grass roots movement has sprung up and gone to the trouble of getting a domain name, running a full-page ad in the Times and collecting nearly 230,000 signatures (at the time of this writing), it’s time to “man up,” as we like to say in our generation. The group at draftgore.com (of which I am proudly a part) even has a catchy little theme song begging Gore to “Run, Al, run! How can you lose when you’ve already won?” the singer asks.

Now when someone (or a quarter of a million someones as the case may be) goes to all that trouble, it’s just plain rude not to take them seriously. The Draft Gore team recently raised enough funds to air a 30-second TV ad. The ad is currently running on CNN and in the all important primary state of New Hampshire, and I wonder how much more it will take before the Vice President realizes that this is no joke.

What is he waiting for? This whole situation reminds me of going to concerts when I was younger. At the end of the set, the band would leave the stage, but lights would stay off, and the audience would stay put, cheering madly for minutes on end. For the band, the technicians and the crowd, it was a foregone conclusion. Everyone knew they were coming back out, but they had to wait the extra time, enjoying the applause from the stage wings and waiting for the right moment to make their big reappearance.

This is where we are now. We’re tired, our voices our hoarse, and we’re really not looking forward to two hours of traffic on the way out of here, but we’ve got our lighters out and we won’t stop screaming until we get what we came for. We’ve stood for hours screaming your name, begging for just a little more. Our legs are beginning to hurt, and we have to use the bathroom, but we won’t leave because we don’t want to miss anything. So come on, don’t make us wait forever. En-core! En-core! En-core!

Can you hear me now?

Coming soon – more than you’ll ever want to know about what I think about life, politics and the current state of the world.